Moving On
by SummerRed
Summary: Following the deaths of three well-known magicians Merlin begins to suffer from his guilt. But when the cracks start to show he finds comfort in the shape of Arthur, who decides it's finally time to talk to Merlin as his best friend, as opposed to his King.


Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Merlin.

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><p>The newly crowned King and Queen of Camelot sat in their throne room, neither speaking what was on their minds, despite that they were thinking the same. Finally Arthur broke the silence, hoping to lighten the mood.<p>

"Princess Elena has sent word that she would like to visit us in the summer, celebrate our marriage. She is keen to befriend you."

"That's nice," Gwen said distractedly, absentmindedly running her hands over a bracelet she was holding. Arthur's eyes flicked from the bracelet to her face.

"Gwaine has been asking whether we can throw another feast. He says he wants to meet a nice 'lady of the court'. And he's thinking of all the free drink that's available at a feast, of course."

"Really," she murmured.

Arthur sighed.

"Nice weather we're having, isn't it?"

Frustrated by her lack of response, Arthur started to spout nonsense, hoping to break her reverie.

"Personally I want it to rain fireballs as it's still rather chilly without my jacket and I don't like practicing in my jacket because it's made of grass and tickles me when I'm trying to concentrate so that I miss and end up throwing my cow at a clotpole with blue hair."

"Interesting."

"It's Morgana's," he said abruptly, his attempts as taking her mind off her troubles failing miserably. Their troubles. It was time to address the situation, to finally stop avoiding what needed to be said.

Gwen jumped, dropping the bracelet with a loud _CLANG_ as it hit the stone floor.

"What did you say?" she whispered. Arthur stood up and walked towards her, stopping only to pick the bracelet up before taking her hands in his and kneeling in front of her.

"This bracelet," he said, holding it up so that the weak sunlight from the window shone on it, "is Morgana's. I gave it to her for her 17th birthday. She'd been moaning that she didn't have any jewellery with sapphires in it, to match a new dress. My-our father found it amusing and endearing. Only I knew that the real reason she wanted jewellery with sapphires was because blue was her favourite colour, because it reminded her of the sea and of her mother. She never told Father why she really wanted things connected to her mother. He never spoke of her to Morgana. It's only now that I know why."

"Why are you telling me this?" Gwen asked hoarsely, scared she would finally breakdown after holding it together for this long.

"Because I know you found this when you woke up in our chambers this morning. I was looking at it last night, remembering the good times with Morgana."  
>Gwen closed her eyes, causing a few tears to leak out. Arthur wiped them away gently.<p>

"I cannot bear to think of her how she was right before…before she-"

"Died," Arthur finished softly.

"I miss her, Arthur. I missed her even when she was still here, when I was still serving her after you and Merlin found her wandering in the woods. She changed, Arthur. And I should have known. We all should have known," Gwen said, almost choking on her words.

"Merlin knew. He knew and he couldn't tell us because he knew she'd lie her way out and it would have been him who faced the consequences. I never want Camelot to be like that again. Everyone should have the confidence to raise a matter with me no matter who they are or who they're accusing, and I'll look into it and find out what's really going on. Not slaughter them because of their gifts or status. Because that's what she would have done, she would have turned it on him and accused him of sorcery. That way my Father would have definitely killed him."

Gwen raised her hand to his cheek and smiled, albeit rather tearfully.

"And that is why you are a good king. A great king, no doubt."

"He's still a prat though," a cheerful voice called from the doorway.

"Merlin," muttered Arthur. Gwen laughed and kissed him on the nose before standing to welcome Merlin.

"You're finally home," she said warmly, hugging him as he attempted to bow to her. He then turned to Arthur, a bright smile on his face, though his eyes held something far darker and heavier. Suddenly, Arthur knew that Morgana was still on Merlin's mind too. However for now he would play along with Merlin's charade.

"What, no bow for your king?"

Merlin snorted. "No."

"Merlin-" Arthur started, but he was cut off as his inner circle of knights, his Knight of the Round Table as they were known throughout Camelot, entered the throne room.

Lancelot, Percival, Elyan and Leon knelt diligently whilst Gwaine remained standing, smirking slightly. Lancelot elbowed Gwaine.

"Ow! I knew Arthur before he was king, when he was still-"

"A prat?" suggested Merlin.

"No, when he was-"

"Arrogant?" said Gwen with a grin.

"No! When he was a failure as both a man and a prince and therefore I shall never kneel nor bow to my King. Although I do respect you," he added seriously.

Merlin and Gwen laughed as Arthur cried out incredulously, "When was that?"

The three kneeling knights rose to their feet, realising that the show of formality wasn't really needed anymore. Although they were master and servant, all men had a bond of friendship that made the gesture awkward; another show of how Arthur far outshined his father after only weeks of becoming King.

"When you lost the Cup of Life," replied Gwaine.

"When you didn't realise Merlin was a warlock after however many years until he finally told you," said Lancelot with a slight chuckle.

"When you didn't believe that your stepmother was a troll," Leon pointed out.

"When I had to help you in that fight in the tavern where we met." It was Gwaine who spoke again, this time with a wide grin.

"When you rescued Mordred and returned him to the Druids, when Morgana was allowed to return to Camelot, when Morgause tried to kill us for the hundredth time," Merlin said quietly, his troubled eyes somewhere far away.

The entire group tensed, all traces of humour gone from every face. This was the unspeakable subject, the unholy trio that was Morgana, Mordred and Morgause. All had suffered because of the three, but none so much as Merlin.

Arthur glanced at his knights, who took it as a hint to leave. Gwen went with them, placing a comforting hand on Arthur's shoulder as she passed, giving him the courage to finally talk to Merlin about everything that had happened since the coronation.

"Merlin, you have to stop this. You're going to drive yourself insane."

"Good. I deserve it."

Arthur ground his teeth together in anger.

"You don't deserve that; they were the ones who deserved what happened to them!"

"Maybe they did but I'm not a god; I don't have the right to decide who lives and who dies."

"Merlin, they were evil and dangerous. They had to be stopped."

Merlin glared at him. "You've soon changed your tune. You were the one who was adamant that Morgana could be saved, the one who thought that a boy couldn't possibly be a threat."

"Merlin-"

"I knew, you know," Merlin said casually. Seeing Arthur's confusion he explained in a nonchalant voice, "That it was Mordred's destiny to kill you. I was told the first time he came to Camelot. That's why I was so late. I was going to let him die then. But his begging and his fear…I'm only human, I couldn't let a child die. I thought that I could change his destiny, rewrite fate."

"Well…you have. He's dead now, he can't kill me," Arthur said, hoping to calm Merlin.

"It's too late though. I was told there would be an alliance between him and Morgana. If he had died then maybe she wouldn't have been so full of hate."

"That was Morgause's doing, not his, not yours. Like you said Merlin, you're not a god."

"The blame also lies with Uther," Merlin said, ignoring Arthur's last sentence.

Arthur said nothing, torn between his loyalty to his father and his agreement with Merlin's words. Before he could think of anything else to say, Merlin slumped to the floor, his hands clutching at his raven hair.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore," he said softly, tears suddenly falling. Arthur shifted uncomfortably before moving to sit beside him.

"Like what?" he asked, not unkindly.

"Like a murderer. I can handle carrying this…this _guilt _with me for the rest of my life. But I feel like them. I'm no better than them."

"Yes you are. You killed-" Merlin flinched at the word but Arthur carried on "-them to protect us, to protect Camelot. You acted selflessly."  
>More tears fell.<p>

"I hate myself for killing Morgause and Mordred but deep down I know it was right, it felt right. They were truly evil, they would have killed you and Gwen and everyone who didn't agree with their way of thinking without a second of hesitation."

"Morgana would have too," Arthur said gently, trying to take the disillusion of Morgana's compassion away from him. By that time she had none. All she had was hate.

White hot anger took over Merlin.

"Can you honestly tell me that when you think of Morgana it doesn't hurt?" he hissed, taking his pain out on his best friend. "That when you think that the Morgana we knew was already dead long before I actually killed her it doesn't make you feel sick because we did nothing?"

Arthur's voice was shaky as he answered. "I think about her everyday. I remember her as she was and try to forget how she was towards the end of her life."

"All I see of her is how she looked at me as she died, as I _murdered_ her. When she realised that she was about to die. She was so surprised. And hurt. She never really thought I would do it and when I did…it was just the final betrayal."

"She betrayed us a long time ago, you know that."

"I know but…even till the end when I started to realise that she had to die I wished there was a way to make her renounce what she had become so that she would return to us."

"You couldn't save her, Merlin," Arthur said softly. "None of us could."

Merlin wiped at his eyes.

"Sometimes I hate her for what she did. But other times…I miss her so much. I've been hiding behind guilt for too long, not wanting to accept responsibility for what I did. But I have to. And I should be relieved too. I removed three great threats. Sooner or later we would have met and tried to kill each other. At least it was sooner. At least I survived." He said the words as though he only just believed in them, had only just realised they would always have had to fight and that the outcome was, although tragic, good. He was still alive. He could still protect Arthur. He still had his destiny to fulfil. This was only the beginning for them. They still had to create Albion; two friends, one royal, one warlock, side by side.

Merlin nodded. Kilgarrah's words echoed through his mind.

_She is the darkness to your light, the hatred to your love._

That darkness was gone, leaving only the good times for him and Camelot. They were free.

Arthur placed a tentative hand on Merlin's shoulder. He felt a lump in his throat and the sting of tears for the first time in years. His voice shook slightly as he said the words he should have said to Merlin right after Morgana's death, when he should have been there for him as a friend, not his master who had ordered him to stop the three.

"I wish someone else could have defeated her, Merlin. I wish it hadn't have had to have been you."

Merlin smiled at Arthur then, the first real smile he'd done in a long time, and Arthur felt a small amount of triumph. Merlin might not be completely healed, but he was on his way.

And that was all that mattered right now.


End file.
